Fighting the Battle

This semester has been a roller coaster. Coming to college has been the biggest blessing of my life. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be here at Dallas Baptist and experience a Christ Centered atmosphere. As most of you who have read or heard my testimony know, I did not grow up in a christian household so Christ was not the center of my home. I was rarely around a place that was Christ centered. The only thing I had was the last two years of summer camps. Coming to DBU was a shock and felt almost like a culture change, in a way it was.

Since being here God has revealed so much about myself that I was unaware of. I'm going to take a chance and share some of those with you guys tonight.

• 1. My fear of talking to people.
• 2. My fear of confronting people.
• 3. My fear of people.
• 4. Putting my identity in how others see me. 
• 5. Fear of not being worthy enough.
• 6. Fear of not being loved. 

These are just a few things that I have learned about myself. Slowly God is revealing to me that these are all things that hinder my relationship with Him. 

The first three all go together and I will shed a little light on those right now. The fear of people really has been a lifelong thing. I always feared my mom and that stemmed into relationships as well. When that fear really started to take control I believe is freshman year of high school. As some of you know I was bullied and that really hurt me on the inside more then I let on. Those words still haunt me and have made me fear man. I fear that I will be put down or torn apart again. That fear hinders my relationship with Christ because it often keeps me from sharing the gospel. I love to talk about God and will to anyone, but im not good at small talk and becoming friends first. Sometimes in order to get to the Jesus talk you need to become friends and I have trouble with talking to people. They usually have to approach me or I wont approach them. 

 He said to them "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation." -Mark 16:15- 

We are called to share the gospel worldwide and tell others our story. I cant do that if my fear of people is holding me back. 

The fourth one is one I have always struggled with. Putting my identity in how others see me. I struggled with this as a child growing up. I was never the bad kid and I always wanted to be good and have others see me as that good kid. I cared and still do care how others think of me. I will go out of my way to be someone I am not just so I can fit in or have others like me. I'm not sure where this identity problem came from. As far back as junior high I can remember struggling with this. I have learned so much this semester that my identity is in God. 

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. - Ephesians 2:10

I am the handiwork of God, not of man. I need to find my worth in that. We all need to find our worth in Christ and not in this world. It is so easy to get caught up in the expectations of life. The world tells us to live a way that is separated from Christ. We are worthy enough to die for in His eyes, He created us to be more then what the world says we are. Find your worth in that. That also falls under my fifth struggle that hinders my relationship with Christ. 

This last one is one I find most pressing, my fear of not being loved. This is the one that hurts the most. I strive for love and I long for it. Growing up I didn't always feel that love from family or friends. I always knew that I was searching for more but I didn't know what it was. I now know that I was searching for the Love of Christ. I still find myself often falling back into my old ways and searching for that love in others. Not getting it when I was younger makes me long for it now. 

For whoever does not love does not know God, because GOD IS LOVE. - 1 John 4:8

This verse has so much power, especially where it states that God is love. God loved us so much that He sent His son to die for us. That alone should be all the love we need. Why do we try to find love in earthly things? The things of the earth will pass away, but the things of God will not. Find your love in Him not in man. God will reveal His love for you when you stop searching for it in this world. 

God has revealed so much and has opened my eyes to how much I actually let hinder my relationship. By His grace I am able to find forgiveness and find my worth in Him. Its a battle, but its one worth fighting for. Its hard to give up former ways and surrender all our struggles to God, but just remember He already knows them and Hes working on fixing them. Do not try and fight this battle alone. Let God do it for you. 

God will fight for you, you need only to be still. - Exodus 14:14

God bless, 

Heaven April

Who am I to......

So I know its been several months since I last posted a blog. I apologies for that, I'm not sure how many of you are still reading, but I hope some still see this. 

I am at Dallas Baptist University and falling more in love with my Father every day I am here. I have been blessed, I have been challenged. I will post about those blessings and challenges one day, but that's not what I have to say tonight. 

Conviction was brought upon me by a friend tonight and it really made me rethink some aspects of my life. As many know I do not have a great home life. There was and still is much verbal abuse. As the thanksgiving holiday approaches I am getting more and more fearful to return home. That's kind of what I want to touch on tonight. 

Who am I to fear home? Who am I to say that its to much for me to bear, or to hard for me? Who am I to say I don't want to go home because it doesn't please me? Who am I to be unforgivable to the one who hurt me? 

Fear, unforgiving, these are not of God. These are not things I should have if I am truly living as Christ did.

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Colossians 3:13 NIV

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

These are just a few of the verses that deal with fear and forgiveness. In psalms it plainly states whom shall I fear? I shouldn't fear man. I let my fear have so much control of my life and most of that fear comes from MAN. Why? Why do I fear man if God is my strength? The next few verses touch on forgiveness. The one that really stands out to me is in Matthew. If we forgive man when they sin against us, God will forgive our sins. If we don't forgive men then God will not forgive ours. This verse brought so much convention to my life. The sins of my family on me are not greater than my sin on them. Why can I not forgive them for everything they have done? Christ forgave me for all I did, and for all I continue to do. Who am I to not forgive when I have been forgiven?

Something else I was also reminded of was the power of the Cross. What if Christ said the weight of the cross was to much to bear? Or being beaten until He was unrecognizable was to much for Him to handle? What if the fear of persecution of others was enough to keep Him from prophesying to those he came in contact with? But He endured such persecution, mocking, and hatred. He took the pain of being beaten, He carried His cross up Calvary hill and He bore the weight of the sins of the world. He took on our fear, worry, stress, pain, persecution as it was His own. He gave His perfect life for our sinful life. 

So who am I to flee from the opportunity to share this with others. Christ did so much more then I deserve that way I can go out and proclaim the good news. I should not fear returning home I should use it as a mission trip to share the gospel. I should look at it in a positive way and know that God is walking with me every step of the way.

That is how we should embrace situations. With the same mindset that Christ had. Cast away our fears and share the gospel. Lay down our own selfish desires and pick up our cross. Forgive the unforgivable, just as we are forgiven. Christ thought all of us were to die for so who are we to fear one another, or hate one another? 

Tonight just pray that God will open your heart. Pray that He will take the fear and worry from your life and replace it with joy. Pray that He will give you a heart of forgiveness and that He will break down those walls that you put up. Pray that He will give you the strength to pick up your cross and follow Jesus. 

God bless <3

 Heaven Slaughter