I have never done this before. I have never shared my story, my testimony with anyone including myself. God put it on my heart to share with all of you. So here it is. This is my life <3
My life before Jesus-
My life before I accepted God is not one I am proud of. I wasn’t mean, and I never really was a “bad” child that got into trouble. I did however have an addiction that separated me from Jesus. I struggled with cutting. It started in 7th grade and it was only a few times, it wasn’t to deep. Then my freshman year in high school, it got serious. I was being bullied in school and dealing with a lot in my family life. There were days that I didn’t want to live any longer. It got that bad sometimes. I never really attempted suicide, but the thoughts were there. I lied constantly to the ones I loved about where the scratches and scars came from. Sometimes I would say the cat attacked me, and others I would say I fell. I wore jackets constantly and always had bracelets around my wrist to hide the marks. The cuts got deeper and deeper and if you look, you can still see the scars of my past on my arms and wrist. There were few people that knew about my problem. I had and sometimes I still have problems with letting people in. People always leave. The few that I did tell of my addiction left me behind. They didn’t want to deal with someone like me. Someone who was so broken and hurt. It took years for someone to step up and do something to help me. Not only did I self harm myself constantly, but I also cried myself to sleep every night for a long time. I hated life, and I often wanted it to end. I put on a fake smile for the world and got through the day, but at night I was empty and broken. I tried to act like things didn’t affect me. That it was okay all my friends hated me, that it was okay that my family was falling apart, that it was okay I hated life. I told myself it would end one day, that I would feel happiness. I told myself that but I never believed it and inside I was dying.
How I realized I needed Jesus-
Coming to the realization that I needed God was not a overnight task. When I really realized I needed Jesus, was when someone knew that I was cutting and crying myself to sleep and they actually tried to help instead of pushing me away. One day me and my best friend got in a huge fight. She knew that I cut and she used that against me. How I interpreted what she said was “You are the reason im cutting” That hit me hard. I never meant to cause anyone to do that to themselves, especially not my best friend. That evening I put a status on facebook that I guess alarmed someone. Right after I posted it Stormi, I babysat her son and she gave me rides to school, calls me. I can’t remember what all was said but she ended up coming over and picking me up. She took me to her house and gave me pizza and we sat outside on her porch talking for hours. I think there were more crying then talking. I told her everything. That was something I had never done before. I had never been so exposed and emotional in front of someone. Like I said, I had a problem letting people in. Very few people knew what was going on with me, and those that knew only knew a fraction. Here I was telling this person everything. I let it all out, and didn’t hold much back. I remember shaking and being terrified. Most people who I told, I just told a little bit and they still judged me and most didn’t speak to me again. I was telling Stormi everything and I was scared she would never speak to me just as everyone else did. As you can see, I have a fear of people leaving. She didn’t though. She started a 7 day cutting bible plan with me. When I was doing the plan, I really did not understand much of what I was reading. I had never really been told about God and I didn’t go to church. There was one verse that I understood and that stuck with me. To this day, it’s still my favorite verse that I go to when im hurting. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, “Or do you not know that your bodies are temple of the Holy spirit who is in you. For you are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore you must glorify God in all that you do.” Then one Sunday she took me to church. I started going to church to escape my house, to escape the yelling and fighting, but it turned into so much more. That is when I knew I needed Jesus. I finally found someone who cared and who wasn’t leaving, and who loved God. That was a love I had never experienced and I realized that was the only kind of love that could save me. I needed Jesus to heal me, to protect me, to save me.
How I received Jesus-
The story of how I received Jesus is a long, troubling, amazing one. That’s just my perspective, though. As I mentioned before I started to attend church and I knew something was changing. However, I had not let go, and I had not accepted God as my savior yet. On July 17, 2011 I attended my first ever church camp. It was master’s camp, at Alto Frio. This was a new scary, exciting, and thrilling experience for me. I had no idea what to expect when I decided to go to camp. I also did not know how much one week would change my life forever.
The first day of camp was terrifying. I could feel something I just didn’t know what it was. I kind of separated myself from the group and was very quiet. Not because I was upset or angry or stuck up, I just felt something I had never felt before. That night at worship something changed. The band branch was performing Glory to God. When they sang the words “Take my life and let it be all for you and for your glory, take my life and let it be yours,” I broke down. It was like God took every scar I had ever made on myself and ripped them open for the world to see. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. Looking back on it now, I was feeling God for the first time. He was exposing me and trying to get me to let him heal me. That night I did not, but the time for me to fully accept Jesus was coming. That night I stayed up after the service talking and praying with our youth leader Stormi. She was the only one I trusted to tell what I felt that night. She was the only one that knew what I was going through. I remember her encouraging me to talk to one of the counselors that were at the camp. She told me she felt one of them could help council me more then she could with what I was going through. I said no, I didn’t trust to tell anyone else. I didn’t want to tell anyone else.
The next day God spoke to me. He told me that I needed help. That I needed to talk to someone, and that if I did I would be able to fully give my life to Him. So I did. That second night I went to Stormi and told her I wanted to talk to someone. Immediately she took me to a woman names Stephanie. I talked to her for hours just pouring everything out. I told her about my cutting, suicidal thoughts, family. I didn’t hold very much back. Once again I was shaking and scared, but I knew it was what God wanted me to do. It felt amazing to tell someone. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Still something was affecting me. I didn’t feel whole and I didn’t as free as I thought I would. Something was still missing. God was still missing.
The third night at camp is when my life changed forever. As soon as we walked to the tabernacle for services I could feel that my life was about to change. We went through worship and the service. At the end of the service the pastor had us all stand and bow our heads and close our eyes. He had us pray a prayer with him, and he asked if there was anyone there that had not accepted God. I was among the ones who raised their hands. With our heads still bowed and our eyes closed he said “If you would like to accept Jesus as your Lord and savior, please come to the front.” I lifted my head, opened my eyes and walked forward. As I was walking that empty void started to fill with love. I could feel God leading me to the front telling me that everything will be okay. I could feel him telling me that I don’t have to hide anymore, that he would take all my pain, worries, fears, into his own hands and I would be free. Walking to the front of the tabernacle was the most amazing walk of my life. That was the walk that changed my life. I was feeling so many different emotions. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I felt love, freedom, change, strength, power. I felt Gods light. I felt God start to break down all the walls I had built up for years. I felt him slowly take my hand and lead me. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I had let go and Let God. He took my life and made it his. He healed my scars, He healed my heart. That moment that I accepted God is one that I will never forget.
How Jesus has changed my life-
I have never been the same. That moment truly changed my life forever. I got back home and it was different. I felt like I could conquer the world. I felt like nothing could bring me down. I was happy, and I don’t know how to explain it. I was different. I would be lying if I said i never fell again. I did. I fell hard and I started to cut again. God took that away again. He reminded me that I didn’t need to cut to make the pain end. That all I needed to do was look towards him. To pray to Him. God has given meaning to my life. Since July 20, 2011 so many amazing things have happened in my life. Im not going to sit here and say that everything is perfect now. That im living a life full of joy and happy times. Im not. I still struggle and break. The only difference now is that I do have God. He gets me through the tough times; he fixes me when I break. I try to live for God. I try to shine his light through my life. I want to do His work and lead others to Him. I know sometimes I fall short but I pray daily to be a better version of myself. So many blessings have been put into my life since I accepted Christ. He has changed every aspect of my life. He has taken the scars and healed them. He took my family and made us whole again. He put the people in my life that I need, and got rid of the ones that I didn’t. He has put things on my heart that I never considered before. Such as youth ministry and mission work. Never in my life did I think I would be striving to be a youth leader, a psychologist. Never did I think I would have a passion to do mission work. He has given me the strength I need to make it through the day. He has given me life again. I want to live for him, I want to share His word. I want to tell everyone of the Love I have gained through him. I want to help the broken hearted. I want to help the lost get found. I owe everything to God. When I feel lost and alone, he puts me on the right path.
One thing that made a difference in my life and the reason I keep strong in my walk with God, is that I have people who help me along the way. God has brought some amazing people in my life. There are so many God- led people in my life now and they keep me going. That’s the power of God. He knows what we need, and when we need it and He will provide! He gave me an amazing best friend that its is through Him that we have grown closer.He gave me friends who stuck with me through it all and have helped me in my walk. He gave me a second family who I trust with everything and who help me with anything. He gave me a chruch family who support and care for me. He gave me strangers who helped guide me in the right direction. He also gave me my family back. Even though we fight and scream and yell we love each other. God is the reason for that Love. More importantly God opened his arms to me and invited me in. He gives me strength when I am weak and Joy when I am sad. God has given me everything in life that I could ever need.
God bless<3
Love,
Heaven April
This song changed my life.
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